Attempting to understand God's Sovereignty During Difficulties: December 20, 2011

I WROTE THIS DECEMBER 20, 2011. I was looking through the drafts on the blog and saw this and thought I should read it. It's interesting how the past comes back around. Although I do not have the resentment and weariness that I had in 2011 regarding our infertility, some of these same questions have popped up multiple times over the past 8 years. I'm not sure why this was not posted previously, but after discussing Rachel in bible study today(infertility was not the bible study topic), it just seems appropriate to share as her struggle reminds me of my own.



Over the past few months I have really struggled with the concept of God’s sovereignty. Here are a few of the questions that I have been holding on to. Some of the questions may be wrong to ask as a Christian, but still is and was on my heart. If God intends us to not have any more children than why would He allow us to get pregnant then have us go through yet another loss? What is He trying to teach us through this loss? If we are not meant to have more children that why doesn’t He just not allow me to get pregnant? Why the loss? Why the broken heart?

I have come to the conclusion that He is trying to teach us a lesson about relying completely on Him. This past year has been full of disappointment, heartache and loss, yet at the end of the day we have so much! We have a house, heat in our home, food in our fridge, cars that run, jobs, our health, a beautiful child and one another. So, why should I be so depressed and upset about a few losses? Why do I allow the desire for another child to consume me so much that the thought of a baby makes me cry? Seeing someone pregnant sends a jolt of resentment through my system in which I then feel guilty and ashamed of?

A few weeks ago our Pastor was talking about having faith in God to answer our prayers, to take care of our needs to bring us out of trials and make miracles happen. He asked if we pray that God’s will be done, but not truly believe He can do it? I read a bible study this morning about a man whose wife had a stroke and he was told there was no more that the doctors could do for her. He told his wife that God was in control, but he was fighting with the question of purpose behind this trial. I can definitely relate to this.

Going back to the question that the Pastor brought up, I believe that God can do miracles, but I have a hard time believing that I am worthy of such a gift. God will make miracles in other people’s lives, but not mine. Why is it so hard for me to let go of my doubt when it comes to my own life? When someone is sick, in the hospital or stated to have no hope of recovery, I get this sense of peace from God that all will be okay. Do I have this “feeling” about our ability to conceive a healthy child?

I have not felt God close the door on us having more children, but I can’t seem to figure out if He wants us to continue to wait on a biological child or begin to look at adoption? In my heart, I know there is room for any child, but my deepest desire is to have our own biological child. What I’m unsure of is if God is telling me that this is not part of His plan in growing our family. How am I to know for certain His plan? If it is His will for us to conceive again; why the loss? What lesson are we supposed to learn through all of this?

The author of today’s bible study stated that in times of struggle we must seek truth and answers in God’s Word. What I have seen is many women who were barren and God created life despite all medical odds. But this only gets my hope up! Is this God’s answer or am I looking for the answer I want even though that’s not God’s answer? I know He can do miracles, but do I deserve it? In the poem below, I am assured that there are no mistakes made by our Heavenly Father and that all things will work to glorify Him.

Dear Lord,

I pray that you will give me a heart of humility and hope in you. Please take away my despair and fill me with a desire to serve you and wait on your timing. Lord, I pray that you will make it well known to us what your plan is for our lives. If you want us to open our hearts to a child that is not of our blood, then please open my heart to this and give me peace. If it be your will that we conceive naturally and in your time, Lord please make this clear to us. Help me to not dwell on loss, but instead to focus on the gifts you have given us each and every day! Thank you Lord for your love and for your Son. Without Him, I would be forever lost and hope would not exist.  ~Jesus Name Amen

He Maketh No Mistake

My Father's way may twist and turn,
My heart may throb and ache,
But in my soul I'm glad I know
He maketh no mistake.

My cherished plans may go astray,
My hopes may fade away,
But still I'll trust my Lord to lead,
For He doth know the way.

Though night be dark and it may seem
That day will never break,
I'll pin my faith, my all in Him,
He maketh no mistake.

There's so much now I cannot see,
My eyesight's far too dim;
But come what may, I'll surely trust
And leave it all to Him.

For by and by the mist will lift
And plain it all He'll make;
Through all the way, though dark to me,
He made not one mistake.

(A. M. Overton)




I'm not completely sure what to make of finding this message today. Maybe God needed me to see this as we attempt to conceive one last time. Maybe He wanted me to see hope or maybe He wanted to remind me that He did answer my hearts cry by giving us Annalisa? I will spend some time in prayer and contemplation after reading this, as I do not know His purpose in bringing this to my attention, but I know nothing happens by chance or coincidence.  

GOD DOES ANSWER PRAYERS AND HE DOES HEAR US WHEN WE POUR OUR HEARTS OUT TO HIM, TURN EVERYTHING OVER TO HIM. IT IS OKAY TO SHARE WITH HIM OUR FRUSTRATIONS, ANGER, SADNESS AND QUESTIONS WHEN WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND HIS PURPOSE.