About six months ago I was struggling at work. There was tension, power struggles, and unclear expectations. It got the point that I had to make a decision to either continue going to work feeling anxious with my "flight or flight" mode on, or deal with the problem. I spent a few weeks praying and reading the Word waiting on the Lord's timing to tell me what to do, and how I should handle the situation. First, God gave me clarity that I was where He wanted me. If I was going to continue to do His will, continue working, then I needed to figure out a way to work with the other person. I scheduled a time for us to sit down together, and we dealt with the issue straight on. We agreed that we needed to be better at communicating. We also agreed that we were both valuable assets to the program. We took turns discussing what the other needed in regard to communication, so that information was clear, concise, and with no ambiguity. Since that day, the way I see the person, the way I interpret what she says or does, is no longer a battle, but instead lights a fire of compassion and grace. Gone is the "fight" modality; in its place is an ability to see who she is, appreciate her as she is, and a heart full of grace.
This is a prime example of how confronting an issue leads to grace. Grace is not turning away or ignoring the issue - that behavior leads to more resentment, more hurt, more disconnection, and a dangerous atmosphere for emotional invalidation; making someone feel like his/her feelings do not matter. We would never invalidate our children's feelings. Why do we so easily invalidate the feelings of adults? We would never invalidate the feelings of our spouse, at least I hope not, as it would be very damaging to the relationship. For example:
Scenario One: My daughter seems a bit louder and crazier than usual. She isn't easily re-directed. She gives me a sassy response, and she continues to run through the house in full on crazy mode. I notice the negative behaviors, and then notice her body language. Something is going on emotionally that needs to be addressed. This out-of-character outburst leads to a quiet and calm conversation. When my child is having an emotional day, I sit down with her. I talk with her about her feelings. we discuss ways to better communicate her feelings so as to eliminate tantrums, crazy behaviors, and misunderstandings.
Scenario Two: My husband seems to be on edge. He responds to questions with quick abrupt answers. He seems to be a bit more eemotionally insensitive toward our young daughter who is being a bit loud, only because she is trying to get him to interact with her. These unusual behaviors lead me to question if something is going on with my husband that we need to discuss. Instead of telling him to lighten up or not be so grumpy, I ask him if there is something wrong. We have a conversation that leads to him expressing what's going on, and gives him some relief. After knowing what is going on, I can give him grace versus being agitated with him.
These are two examples where a relationship is important, and where open honest communication is necessary for solving a problem, but it also allows me to show grace toward that person. So again, I ask, if we confront issues, negative feelings, and negative emotions within the family setting, why do we ignore and placate church confrontation and misunderstandings with a blanketed unconditional "grace"? Just letting my child's behavior go unnoticed could have long lasting negative outcomes. Ignoring my husband's feelings will lead to the destruction of a marriage. How then, can we show grace without first understanding?
Some may say, well I've known this person long enough, I just know that I have to let them "be" when they are like this. Do you really know them well enough to assume that every emotional response deserves ignoring? I'm pretty certain that even after 20 years of marriage, I have a lot to learn about my husband. I'm also sure that as my child grows her needs for understanding and grace will change. So, isn't the same true for our fellow believers?
Let's take a final look at what happens when emotional invalidation continues within the church body:
In Acts 15 Paul did not ignore the conflict over circumcision, he addressed it. In an article written by David Matthis, "Conflict is an Opportunity for Grace" he states:
"One reason that avoiding conflict is such a problem is precisely because it worsens with negligence. It doesn’t just go away.
But another reason is that it cuts us off from the most significant opportunities for grace. This is the way God does his deepest work in a world like ours. Not when things are peachy keen, not when all seems right with the world, not when times are easy. It’s the toughest times, the hardest conversations, the most painful relational tensions, when the light of his grace shines brightest, and transforms us most into his Son’s likeness.
The highpoints of the history of God’s people are accounts not of fleeing conflict, but moving toward it in hope, believing God will be at work in the tension, pain, and mess. Such is the story of the prophets — Moses with the stubborn people he refused to give up on; Elijah at Carmel squaring off against Baal; the embattled Isaiah, Jeremiah, and Ezekiel brought into increasing conflict, seemingly at every oracle, with a hard-hearted people they were commissioned to serve.
And so it was with the apostles. When tensions emerged in the fledgling church between Hebrews and Greeks, they dealt with disunity quickly and did not let it fester. God had a gift to give these young believers in Acts 6 — seven newly appointed leaders to serve the people’s needs — and it came not through shying away from conflict, but through straightforwardly tackling their troubles. And when conflict arose again along the same fault lines, this time over circumcision, the apostle Paul didn’t avoid or neglect it, but traveled to Jerusalem to address it in person (Acts 15:2)."
To wrap this all up, ask yourself how you handle confrontation, and why you handle it in that manner? Does the way you handle conflict makes things better or worse for you? What does it do for the other person? I can tell you that facing the confrontation at work head on was not my favorite thing to do, and I did lose sleep over it, but I also turned to God in prayer and the reading of His Word BEFORE I ever approached the person. I prayed in my car just before going in that God's will be done. In full transparency, I struggle more with confrontation when I know it is a fellow believer than I do with someone that is most likely not a believer. We should just always give one another the benefit of the doubt, right? The benefit of what? If we do not know them, their feelings, their habits, their hurts, their needs, how can we give them the benefit of anything? A blanketed "grace" does not solve the problem, nor does it truly allow for growth in the relationship. When there is strife between believers, we must confront in love, so that grace can then be given in abundance with PURPOSE!
Grace with purpose and understanding.
Conflict Is an Opportunity for Grace | Desiring God
What Is Emotional Invalidation? I Psych Central
Act 15 NIV - The Council at Jerusalem - Certain - Bible Gateway
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