What a roller coaster week! Last week was crazy. There are a few things that I did that I intend to not repeat. Although it's important for me to spend time with my husband, I sacrificed my quiet time for lying in bed sleeping just to be close to my husband. This was NOT a good plan! Being out of God's Word is not a good idea. I've always been a "hit and miss" quiet time person. Usually I read my bible at bed time as I'm not a morning person, however, over the past three weeks, and what has become more clear this past week, is that I HAVE to have my time with God in the morning (over coffee and a bagel) or I'm no good to anyone.
Saturday night, after a very long week of mess ups and forgetfulness, I found myself griping to God and complaining about all of the things He isn't doing in my life. I can see the little things that he's done, but it seemed, at the moment, that He was not helping in the big areas. My complaints were as follows:
* You've taken two babies from me and now I'm unable to conceive even after all of the Doctors' appointments.
* You had us put our house up for sale in Afton only to have the first buyers back out.
* Since the house didn't sell, we had to cash in my retirement to put the down on the Clarinda home.
* I lost my job and our financial stability.
* You've stripped me from my identity and are slow at helping guide me in a new direction.
After getting these frustrations out and griping at God for what He was not doing in my life, I text my husband and said I did not want to go to church the next morning. When he asked why I said, "Because I feel like I have to instead of wanting to". I was crying during this process and was actually thinking, "If I go to church and get all emotional then everyone's going to want to know what's going on and then I will feel stupid for being selfish and angry at God". I did not want to be emotional in the place that should be the safest. I felt like I would have to be "fake" or wear a mask to go to church and if that is how I felt I shouldn't be there.
Josh didn't say much about it that evening. I think he was letting me sleep on it. Anyway, Sunday morning, I felt better and knew that I needed to be in church. I did have a bit of an emotional moment during church, but it was about having children, which is always a touchy subject for me. But the rest of the sermon was about submission to husbands. Ironic right? The message solidified what I've been learning and left me asking questions like, "How do I become meek and quiet after 35 years of being the opposite?".
In today's lesson, I was directed to read Matthew 7:3-5 where it talks about taking the plank out of my own eye before I can help my brother with his speck. In this case, the author was replacing the word brother with husband. I don't have any complaints or issues with my husband. The problem is me. It is my attitude and the way I respect him. God created woman to be a "helper" (Genesis 3) to man. That means to lift him up, build him up, support him. I have not been doing these things. I seem to look for the plank in my own eye all of the time, but once I find the plank I forget to remove it. These are my planks:
* selfish
* proud
* stubborn
* judgemental
* seeking praise from others
* competitive
* knowing God's word but not acting on it
All of the things listed get in the way of my being able to serve the Lord in my marriage, home, family, church, community and the world. If I could get past myself, I know God could use me to do great things for His glory. But how do I get there? How do I remove these planks? This is the answer I'm still seeking. Maybe the next lesson on "Having an Attitude of Gratitude" will help guide me in the right direction.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for your daily guidance even when I try or attempt to push you away. Thank you for allowing me to serve you in the body of Christ. Thank you for those who love me despite my imperfections. Thank you for those that I see in my daily life that have a heart to serve you and bring glory to your name. Thank you for never giving up on me.
Lord, I ask for your guidance in teaching me to be meek and quiet. Help me to put others above myself, especially my husband. Help me to love him as you have called me to do. Help me to be his helper so that he can be the Godly man you desire him to be. In Jesus Name, AMEN
Saturday night, after a very long week of mess ups and forgetfulness, I found myself griping to God and complaining about all of the things He isn't doing in my life. I can see the little things that he's done, but it seemed, at the moment, that He was not helping in the big areas. My complaints were as follows:
* You've taken two babies from me and now I'm unable to conceive even after all of the Doctors' appointments.
* You had us put our house up for sale in Afton only to have the first buyers back out.
* Since the house didn't sell, we had to cash in my retirement to put the down on the Clarinda home.
* I lost my job and our financial stability.
* You've stripped me from my identity and are slow at helping guide me in a new direction.
After getting these frustrations out and griping at God for what He was not doing in my life, I text my husband and said I did not want to go to church the next morning. When he asked why I said, "Because I feel like I have to instead of wanting to". I was crying during this process and was actually thinking, "If I go to church and get all emotional then everyone's going to want to know what's going on and then I will feel stupid for being selfish and angry at God". I did not want to be emotional in the place that should be the safest. I felt like I would have to be "fake" or wear a mask to go to church and if that is how I felt I shouldn't be there.
Josh didn't say much about it that evening. I think he was letting me sleep on it. Anyway, Sunday morning, I felt better and knew that I needed to be in church. I did have a bit of an emotional moment during church, but it was about having children, which is always a touchy subject for me. But the rest of the sermon was about submission to husbands. Ironic right? The message solidified what I've been learning and left me asking questions like, "How do I become meek and quiet after 35 years of being the opposite?".
In today's lesson, I was directed to read Matthew 7:3-5 where it talks about taking the plank out of my own eye before I can help my brother with his speck. In this case, the author was replacing the word brother with husband. I don't have any complaints or issues with my husband. The problem is me. It is my attitude and the way I respect him. God created woman to be a "helper" (Genesis 3) to man. That means to lift him up, build him up, support him. I have not been doing these things. I seem to look for the plank in my own eye all of the time, but once I find the plank I forget to remove it. These are my planks:
* selfish
* proud
* stubborn
* judgemental
* seeking praise from others
* competitive
* knowing God's word but not acting on it
All of the things listed get in the way of my being able to serve the Lord in my marriage, home, family, church, community and the world. If I could get past myself, I know God could use me to do great things for His glory. But how do I get there? How do I remove these planks? This is the answer I'm still seeking. Maybe the next lesson on "Having an Attitude of Gratitude" will help guide me in the right direction.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for your daily guidance even when I try or attempt to push you away. Thank you for allowing me to serve you in the body of Christ. Thank you for those who love me despite my imperfections. Thank you for those that I see in my daily life that have a heart to serve you and bring glory to your name. Thank you for never giving up on me.
Lord, I ask for your guidance in teaching me to be meek and quiet. Help me to put others above myself, especially my husband. Help me to love him as you have called me to do. Help me to be his helper so that he can be the Godly man you desire him to be. In Jesus Name, AMEN
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